Cinematic Titanic

2007 · 90m · Comedy

Cinematic Titanic is a project by Mystery Science Theater 3000 creator and original host Joel Hodgson. The project involves "riffing" B-movies, in a manner similar to that of MST3K. Joining Hodgson are many of the earlier show's collaborators, including Trace Beaulieu, J. Elvis Weinstein, Frank Conniff, and Mary Jo Pehl. It was first performed live on December 7, 2007 and first aired on December 22, 2007. On February 16, 2013, it was announced that the touring portion of Cinematic Titanic was going on an indefinite hiatus. According to an email sent out to members of the site, due to "5 people living in 5 different cities with different lives and projects, it has become increasingly difficult to coordinate our schedules and give Cinematic Titanic the attention it requires to keep growing as a creative enterprise and a business." The final tour began on September 23, 2013.

Episodes

▶1. The Oozing SkullIn the far-off land of Khalid, President Amir lies on his deathbed. If this revered head-of-state dies, the brutal dictatorship that he has so lovingly cultivated will fall into a dark age of uncertainty and chaos. So, in this moment of crisis, his loyal staff are left with no alternative but to choose the only logical and sensible course of action - to transfer Amir's brain into a younger, healthier, and most importantly, living body. Enter Doctor Robert Trenton, a mad scientist of the "they all laughed at me and now I'll show them" school. He, along with his assistant, Dorro, a little man with a big appetite for evil, and Tracy, a conniving beauty with a heart that's harder than her leathery, over-tanned skin, concoct a deliriously diabolical plan involving murder, body-napping, skullduggery, and oozy, gooey brains. Afraid to watch this movie alone, aren't you? Well, now you don't have to, and neither will future generations, because The Oozing Skull has the almost historic distinction of being the first movie chosen for Cinematic Titanic's Time Tube. Tom Shales, TV critic for the Washington Post, called the episode "consistently and unfailingly funny."▶2. Doomsday MachineAmerican spies discover the Chinese have built a weapon capable of destroying planet Earth, a "doomsday machine" if you will, and that they plan to use it within a matter of days. Immediately, Project Astra, a manned U.S. space mission to Venus, is taken over by the military and half of its all-male crew is replaced by women just hours before launch. The reason for this becomes apparent when, shortly after Astra leaves Earth's orbit, said planet is completely destroyed (in a cataclysm of stock footage). Will the crew of the Astra make it safely to Venus? Will the human race survive? Will you wish it didn't once you've seen this movie? Not when you watch with Cinematic Titanic! The riff light is on as they go head-to-head with this 1972 non-classic.▶3. The Wasp WomanJanice Starlin, purveyor of her own line of cosmetics, finds herself nearing middle-age (in a time when 38 was the new 94). A stranger with an accent and an unnatural love of wasps enters her life and promises her the elixer that will prolong her youth forever - until the wasp becomes the wasped. This version of THE WASP WOMAN has been altered by CINEMA TITAN, L.L.C. The alteration and distribution of this version of THE WASP WOMAN has not been authorized, sponsored by or endorsed by the original proprietors and creators of THE WASP WOMAN. CINEMA TITAN L.L.C. on behalf of itself and its licensees expressly denies and disclaims any affiliation or association of this altered version of the motion picture with the original proprietors and creators or THE WASP WOMAN.▶4. Legacy of BloodThe Dean family patriarch has died and left a fortune to his children and servants. The occasion soon turns grim when they discover they must all must spend an entire week at the family estate - together. It's all the same old family routine: backbiting, billiards, rumors and innuendo, canings, pantsuits and ham - until one by one, they start turning up dead.▶5. Santa Claus Conquers The MartiansThe children of Mars are in a funk, and nothing on the red planet seems to be able to cheer them up. Martian King Kimar comes up with the only reasonable solution: kidnap Santa Claus from Earth's North Pole and bring him to their planet to make toys for their joyless, listless little green kids. Meanwhile, two Earth children get wise to the plan and are abducted along with Santa to prevent them from talking to the authorities. Luckily for them, Dropo, the Jerry Lewis of the fourth planet from the sun, is there to help them. The fiendish plot doesn't go according to plan, and there's plenty of intrigue, double-crossing, mistaken identity and stock footage for kids of all ages and planets to enjoy. Poorly conceived, sloppily made, and unfailingly bizarre, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is the ultimate Christmas movie-riffing classic (as fans of MST3K know) which is why Cinematic Titanic chose to revisit, re-riff, and release this holiday hamfest with all new jokes. Merry Crap-mas!▶6. Frankenstein's Castle of FreaksThings get a bit randy in this updated version of Mary Shelley's immortal classic about er... ah... um... immortality. Why can't Dr. Frankenstein get a break? Just as our resident mad scientist is about to bring his creature back to life, he is forced to use a sub-standard brain and - you guessed it - everything runs amok. Along the way, we meet Ook and Goliath, two club-thumping Neanderthals; Genz, a revenge-obsessed dwarf; Maria and Krista, two dead-sexy biology students back from college; and Kreegin, the hunch-backed cook who has more than a passing resemblance to Abe Vigoda. The Cinematic Titanic crew, originators of movie riffing, are brought in for this, their sixth feature, and offer more hilarious commentary as they set their sights on a Frankenstein's castle chock full of angry villagers, grave robbers, and skinny dippers.▶7. Blood of the VampiresThe Escodero family is cursed! The mother, whom the Escodero children assumed to be dead, is actually an undead vampire who lurks in a secret basement/dungeon hidden from the rest of the house. When the kids discover this dark truth, all hell breaks loose...literally! The mother bites the son, who grows fangs and becomes consumed with blood lust. Meanwhile, all this vampire activity wreaks havoc on the daughter's romance with her handsome, dashing fiance. It all leads to a foray into the occult that ultimately proves true love can live on forever, but not before a mob of angry villagers and avenging priests take on the Devil himself in a climactic battle between good and evil. Set in nineteenth century Mexico and performed by a Filipino cast, "Blood of the Vampires" has something for everyone: blood-soaked action for the guys, tender romance for the ladies, and unleashed demonic rage for the frightened child within us all.▶8. East Meets WattsKung Fu hits the streets! Young Larry Chin arrives from China looking for his long-lost brother and stumbles into some shady characters that'd just as soon see him go home - or get dead. He crosses paths with Stud Brown, and the two become an unlikely duo as they fight to clean up the 'hood, and make time for some lady loves they meet along the way. And hang on tight for the surprise twist ending. It's all living color kungsploitation glory, live with Cinematic Titanic.▶9. The Alien FactorWarning: Baltimore is no longer safe! Meet Leemoid, Zagatile and Interbyce. They're the three aliens whose spaceship has crashed in a small town outside of Baltimore. Soon the town folk are turning up mutilated and dead - and even in polyester pants. Then a stranger arrives to save the day. But is he who he says he is? And what about all the polyester pants? See this film the way it was meant to be seen - on the big screen live with Cinematic Titanic.▶10. Danger on Tiki IslandAn atomic bomb test in the South Pacific creates an isolated world of terror! Strange things are happening on this remote island in the Pacific, where a Peace Corps volunteer, a researcher, and his love-starved lady arrive to find that nearby atomic testing has mutated some of the plants. If that weren't bad enough, a monster terrifies the villagers in its lust for blood. The man-beast must be stopped - but how? With sarongs a-plenty, this film was a staple at drive-ins in its day. Now experience it live with Cinematic Titanic.▶11. War of the InsectsThe bugs shall inherit the earth! Or so says Annabelle, the hottest, the sexiest and by far the craziest psycho blonde chick to hit Japan since WWII. Deeply embittered about the whole man's-inhumanity-to-man thing, she enacts a diabolical plot to unleash a swarm of mutant insects on the world that will destroy all living creatures except creepy crawlers. Ensnared in all this madness is a philandering, island-hopping bug collector, his compliant and slightly pregnant wife, a humorless doctor from the mainland, and a United States Airman named Charlie whose way of starting a conversation is to hysterically scream "Genocide!" and then go off his rocker like the dedicated military professional he is. If you want to watch a story where everybody gets their nuclear holocaust on in the grand tradition of radioactive Japanese monster movies, this is the film for you!▶12. RattlersA herpetologist investigating a series of fatal rattlesnake attacks discovers that the creatures have been infected by a mysterious nerve gas disposed of in the desert by the military.▶13. The Astral FactorWarm-up material by Joel Hodgson, Mary Jo Pehl, Dave (Gruber) Allen, Frank Conniff, and Trace Beaulieu. Warm-up also included a showing of the short film The Frank, starring many Dave (Gruber) Allen and former Mystery Science Theater 3000 cast members including Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, Mary Jo Pehl, Bill Corbett, and Beth "Beez" McKeever. J. Elvis Weinstein was not present as he was suffering from cancer and had a kidney removed not long after. Dave (Gruber) Allen took over Weinstein's riffs during both performances.

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